Competition
Competition
Competition
it kills

I’ll just try my best!

HAHA must use reverse psychology to win the game of examinations!
“Don’t screw up…Don’t this…Don’t that…”

HAHA I’ll explode if that’d work on people.. No lah as in.. Coming from me, they won’t take it seriously!
(Fortunate or unfortunate?!)

I read “A Child Called ‘It’” in 2 days! It’s such a great book which opened my horizons to write about abuse HAHA.. I’ve left my ‘niche area’ crap because it’s mainly my fault – it’s just not versatile.

Maybe you can call it a switch in ‘niche area’ but it’s so broad! ‘Suffering’.. HAHA I wonder..

Anyway, the book was AWESOME! And I only realised it was a true story when I read it.. SO SCARY! Imagine your mother forcing you to lie of burning stoves! He was clever.

Oh well I guess I felt for him because it really was a touching flaskback of the past! I wouldn’t have made it like he did….

OKAY! So I’m all geared up, it’s close to 2am I shouldn’t be so late but SORRY! Gotta do up the SS notes!

Cya!

As Katharine McPhee’s single goes…

“I’m over it.”

Some people are just so URGH for thinking about things which they’ve heard from someone else! Talk about fairness…

I’ll just leave things as it is! so unimaginable how one stupid, silly comment not even worth anything to turn things 360 degrees.

I still remember the nice talks we had sometimes and I guess all those are forgone when one just thinks about the negative of one person all the time!

It’s not as if I said snappy, irresponsible remarks about you.. I even said I still treated you as a friend.

This whole thing is getting so childish and uncalled for. Until things are settle on your side, you’ll achieve the utmost enlightenment about this whole situation.

Oh well! Things do not have to get in the way.. It’s no point trying to seal a crack when the cracks gets bigger by itself. It’s not even a technical fault of the sealer. It’s purely the crack itself.

Nice things turned out to be like this and I, for myself, am sure I do not want this. Nor do I think I’m 100% wrong.

Would it be better if I said this instead?:

Oh how much I miss those times..
Who knew things would take a turn and become like this?
How I wish everything would go back and become the same…
How I miss the study group.

Rubbish. I’m sure you do not want that too. So why be so affected when I say I like studying by myself better? Are you sore about it?

Cheh. But from now on, I’ve learnt. Just let go and let this be right at the back of my head.

I may not be the best scoring person in school or in the world, but I try my best!

I rest my case.

   Those scars and bruises seem to never fade. Well, it always gets better, but just to be made darker again. Mommy has them too, like I do. She probably takes it more harshly than me because I do not have cans and bottles of alcohol in my hands like she does all the time. I often wonder why she does that, at the same time making just I do not do it aloud, just in case I end up having to add one more mark on my body.

   Daddy always scares me. I’m sure he scares Mommy too. We always see him coming home every night. As usual and expected it may be, let me tell you otherwise. What leaves me doubtful all the time is that he comes home with a new woman every night. It is just like changing into a new set of clothes every day. I often glance at Mommy when that happens and all I see in her ash-grey eyes are melancholy and devastation. I know why Mommy does not say anything about it, and I also know why Mommy gets the smirks from the women too, everytime they pack and leave the house in the wee hours of the night. Mommy has left her family for Daddy, and leaving Daddy now would only mean living a life all by herself. She knows, as I do, that if she does that, we would not be able to have each other. Ever again. And the smirks Mommy gets from the women, to make it short and simple, is because they understand what a leech Mommy is to Daddy. But what can Mommy do?

   Many a times, I console Mommy by stroking her arms and wiping the tears off her face. But I only make things worse as I open the wounds on her arms and cheeks again. As her tears start to burn the wounds on her cheeks, Daddy often comes out from his room topless just so that he could make Mommy’s whimpers become weeps. He would grab her by her hair and slap her on her cheeks. I often scream, only to let out a hoarse, low and inaudible voice. I must have cried too hard and hurt my cords. But still, I was never let off. Slowly, old wounds of mine would open again as I get flung onto the wall and onto the floor. Daddy’s lightning-speed punches and slaps always came unexpectedly onto me. But I think I must have been adapted to it. Afterall, I have been living like this for fifteen years.

   There must be a limit to one’s tolerance of suffering. I bet Mommy must have even endured more than her own limit. I saw it with my own eyes as Mommy slept with her eyes open. I felt her body turn cold and hard. I thought I was dreaming when Mummy, for once, did not respond to my touch.

   I thought we could get by trying to be unseen creatures of the house. I thought we have always made our cries inaudible. But finally I was convinced, that as much as our efforts were made, they would ever be futile. We were purely just helpless humans trapped in living hell. 

We got bombed at by Miss Lo this morning! It was devastating… I wonder how I did for the whole damn thing! Oh well we’ll take things as we come. Still, I feel that many of my classmates do not realise their arrogance level! Especially the… Oh well! I just happen to dislike people who seriously do not take things from the teachers and keep it with them, and with the mentality that they’ll do well nonetheless pisses me off! Grr..

Anyway, we got back our mock exam for E-Math and I got an A2!! I’m estatic! Well it was extremely barely there but nevertheless, it brought the rollercoaster ride up again… I’m slowly trying to maintain it there! Slowly, slowly. Peaking too early won’t help either. Just go with the flow and add some ornaments on the way by myself. Things should be like this.

It’s really nice having the whole afternoon to yourself! Well I guess I’ve got some new studymate(s)! It’s really nice to have your own classmates studying with you, at least it keeps you on track. And I guess there seriously no competition between us? Because I think we all want to do well – and do well for ourselves.

It’s nice to hear that some of my classmates have said that they’ll be staying back after school everyday from now till the O’s! I will stay with them too.

And it’s a plus point that we’re now doing revision instead of rushing through syllabus! Great great great! Slowly, slowly, as I’ve said. I prefer this lifestyle. As in like, slowly mugging and breaking through! It’s a great feeling to feel accomplishment! Yet, it’s heart-wrenching to have the rollercoaster ride go under the sea… You can hardly breathe!

Nevertheless, we’ll just take things as they come our way! Small accomplishments bring us further, but I always try to tell myself not to be so complacent! I’ll just try my best and believe in positive thinking! HAHA~

Talking about some small accomplishments, it was great having to study ALL THE WAY THROUGH till 6.30pm!! ANDDDD starting at 3.00pm!!

Just great! OHHH AND AND AND!!!

I got a 31/40 for my Chinese oral!! LIKE?!?!?!?!??!?!?! HAHA!!!

When one door closes,
Another one opens

Like wise, I think when one opens, another closes. It all depends on which situation occurs first.

Anyway, yea it just feels like that for me right now. OH WELL nothing to dwell about! When that door closes, I guess it’s best to just let it go and start embracing the path of the new opened door.

Anyway, I’ve been good! I’ve gone jogging and doing more than 2.4km! Last Friday was the first time I didn’t walk until the 1.8km or something HAHA!!

There are many priorities in my life now, definitely the most important being the O’s.

Well, tomorrow’s after-school schedule:

1. Finish up Nan Chiau EM Paper 2
2. Do Chemistry TYS and get ready for consultation anytime soon.
    - Topic 7: The Chemistry & Uses of Acids, Bases & Salts
    – Topic 4: Electrolysis
    – Topic 9: Metals
3. Do Physics TYS and get ready for consultation anytime soon.
    – Complete General Physics

WOO to the sense of freedom of study!
Don’t take me wrong, it’s not that study groups aren’t good
They’re good only with people you can deal with (can click with, rather.)

Good luck!

P.S i meant.. a study which constantly shares and cares is a good one.. and also one which is not competitive… oh well I guess now you know what mine was! but i like them all as friends though!

P.P.S.S Gotta jog tomorrow!

Since that horribly menacing afternoon @ the crematorium when it rained so heavily, I’ve been afraid of lightning and thunder! That was when I was around.. 7, 8 years old?

Whatever the case, it’s definitely gotten so much better! Haha I still remember bawling my eyes out at every sight of a flash of lightning!! Unbelievable! But oh well, what I’ve come to say is that these past few days have been pretty rainy and thundery but HAHA I always get reminded by my past phobia that I tend to laugh at myself internally.

Anyway, the sudden phobia comes when too much education kicks in. See, we have been studying about electricity for Physics and we’ve talked about lightning. So lightning is actually a negative-positive charge conduction thing going on.. Like when Earth has an abundance of electrons or whatever and the positive charges in the clouds get attracted and so attracts down to Earth and lightning occurs. I guess you know how thunder is then produced!

Anyway, so because of this new discovery, rainy days have always made me scared.. Especially in such a secluded area my school is situated at, with lots of shrubs and trees and huge fields and forest-like areas, you know how much teachers drill into us about not being in open area during a DARK MENACING cloud day! And so I keep having feelings of me being too negatively charged that lightning would occur – on me.

Oh well some passing thought but yet it still freaks me out HAHA!!~!~!

Can’t believe me..

ANYWAY also! Because of education, the endless drilling by our Primary school teachers about not standing under a tree during a thunderstorm has finally kicked in.

Why?

Because it’s not that the tree has a possibility of dropping onto you (definitely though, that may happen) but it’s actually standing on grass ground would enable lightning charges to conduct through you and get you electrocuted!

My goodness, the amazement of education; the horrors of Physics!

P.S I’m learning relatively SO MUCH MORE alone than.. Oh well, I think the previous study group was just a motivational ‘camp’ where we felt forced to make our notes? Not as if we shared, not as if we discussed. We learn through mistakes I guess! No grudges made, just realisations occured.

Throwing me a fish
Doesn’t mean I’ll start fishing.
You teach me how to fish
And I’ll fish a fish for you.

It’s so funny how things are becoming to turn out for my miserable life. Well, not-so-miserable life. I said that because simply, there is greatness in being alone. It’s not.. a choice? Well I just take things as they come. Whatever happens happens.

It doesn’t mean if I think I’m completely right it means I am. Vice-versa, things people believe in, even in a group, may not necesserily be the best truth. There is always truth in the things we believe in, or else why believe?

Well I think it’s something petty yet something I’ve got to do. I cannot pretend as if it’s perfectly fine having to be with a friend who’s always with another I don’t really…click. I do not hate anyone, I’m not angry with anyone. It’s just.. What’s the point? It’s exhausting enough so I’ll on my part bow out.

Yea, as if it’s such a big hoo-ha. But it is! Definitely I feel bad, but of course what’s the point of waiting on each other to have that friend-time? After you’re given her yours then you’ll give me? LOL I don’t know what to say about this so I’ll just not bother. Of course it’s not as if I’m going to forget every good time.

Well, one thing leads to another and what’s happening now really truly classicaly reflects that statement. Who cares if the other party is doing better? Of course it’s good but definitely everyone should know how anti-social I am. If you don’t want to have anything to do with me, stop rubbing it into me that you’ve got such a huge circle.. I’m just purely assuming and being a..jerk. But THERE’s truth in it because I believe what I say, to some extent.

I’m trying hard to focus and get things that get in my way out of my way. I try to shove it aside. And I do not mean I totally do not bother about the things but I’m just trying to get the importances straight. Things that…do not need resolutions now can wait. It’s not as if I treat friendships lightly but if you yourself can deal with what you’re having now, why bawl over a small little me? I do not need tears nor do I want to see any. I do sympathise the things you are going through, and I definitely do not treat your sorrows as some dirt by the road. But if you can live nicely now with your new found circle, why not go ahead? Do not simply try to pull me along to catch up. Neither should you ever feel bad. It’s probably because of me that you’re close to your new circle only now. You’ve known them for a year.

On my part, I apologise.

The end.

Till things get better,
We shall leave things as such.
Hope you are fine!